own physique and nothing but the belief that it was a condition of poetic
genius would have reconciled me to it。 That brief hope was quite fled；
and I saw in my face now nothing but the stamp of a morbid organization；
framed for passive sufferingtoo feeble for the sublime resistance of
poetic production。 Alfred； from whom I had been almost constantly
separated； and who； in his present stage of character and appearance； came
before me as a perfect stranger； was bent on being extremely friendly and
brother…like to me。 He had the superficial kindness of a good…humoured；
self…satisfied nature； that fears no rivalry； and has encountered no
contrarieties。 I am not sure that my disposition was good enough for me
to have been quite free from envy towards him； even if our desires had not
clashed； and if I had been in the healthy human condition which admits of
generous confidence and charitable construction。 There must always
have been an antipathy between our natures。 As it was； he became in a
few weeks an object of intense hatred to me； and when he entered the
room； still more when he spoke； it was as if a sensation of grating metal
had set my teeth on edge。 My diseased consciousness was more
intensely and continually occupied with his thoughts and emotions； than
with those of any other person who came in my way。 I was perpetually
exasperated with the petty promptings of his conceit and his love of
patronage； with his self…placent belief in Bertha Grant's passion for
him； with his half…pitying contempt for meseen not in the ordinary
indications of intonation and phrase and slight action； which an acute and
suspicious mind is on the watch for； but in all their naked skinless
plication。
For we were rivals； and our desires clashed； though he was not aware
of it。 I have said nothing yet of the effect Bertha Grant produced in me
on a nearer acquaintance。 That effect was chiefly determined by the fact
that she made the only exception； among all the human beings about me；
to my unhappy gift of insight。 About Bertha I was always in a state of
uncertainty： I could watch the expression of her face； and speculate on
its meaning； I could ask for her opinion with the real interest of ignorance；
I could listen for her words and watch for her smile with hope and fear：
she had for me the fascination of an unravelled destiny。 I say it was this
fact that chiefly determined the strong effect she produced on me： for； in
the abstract； no womanly character could seem to have less affinity for that
of a shrinking； romantic； passionate youth than Bertha's。 She was keen；
sarcastic； unimaginative； prematurely cynical； remaining critical and
unmoved in the most impressive scenes； inclined to dissect all my
favourite poems； and especially contemptous towards the German lyrics
which were my pet literature at that time。 To this moment I am unable to
define my feeling towards her： it was not ordinary boyish admiration； for
she was the very opposite； even to the colour of her hair； of the ideal
woman who still remained to me the type of loveliness； and she was
without that enthusiasm for the great and good； which； even at the moment
of her strongest dominion over me； I should have declared to be the
highest element of character。 But there is no tyranny more plete than
that which a self…centred negative nature exercises over a morbidly
sensitive nature perpetually craving sympathy and support。 The most
independent people feel the effect of a man's silence in heightening their
value for his opinionfeel an additional triumph in conquering the
reverence of a critic habitually captious and satirical： no wonder； then；
that an enthusiastic self…distrusting youth should watch and wait before the
closed secret of a sarcastic woman's face； as if it were the shrine of the
doubtfully benignant deity who ruled his destiny。 For a young enthusiast is
unable to imagine the total negation in another mind of the emotions
which are stirring his own： they may be feeble； latent； inactive； he thinks；
but they are therethey may be called forth； sometimes； in moments of
happy hallucination； he believes they may be there in all the greater
strength because he sees no outward sign of them。 And this effect； as I
have intimated； was heightened to its utmost intensity in me； because
Bertha was the only being who remained for me in the mysterious
seclusion of soul that renders such youthful delusion possible。 Doubtless
there was another sort of fascination at workthat subtle physical
attraction which delights in cheating our psychological predictions； and in
pelling the men who paint sylphs； to fall in love with some bonne et
brave femme； heavy… heeled and freckled。
Bertha's behaviour towards me was such as to encourage all my
illusions； to heighten my boyish passion； and make me more and more
dependent on her smiles。 Looking back with my present wretched
knowledge； I conclude that her vanity and love of power were intensely
gratified by the belief that I had fainted on first seeing her purely from the
strong impression her person had produced on me。 The most prosaic
woman likes to believe herself the object of a violent； a poetic passion；
and without a grain of romance in her； Bertha had that spirit of intrigue
which gave piquancy to the idea that the brother of the man she meant to
marry was dying with love and jealousy for her sake。 That she meant to
marry my brother； was what at that time I did not believe； for though he
was assiduous in his attentions to her； and I knew well enough that both he
and my father had made up their minds to this result； there was not yet an
understood engagementthere had been no explicit declaration； and
Bertha habitually； while she flirted with my brother； and accepted his
homage in a way that implied to him a thorough recognition of its
intention； made me believe； by the subtlest looks and phrasesfeminine
nothings which could never be quoted against herthat he was really the
object of her secret ridicule； that she thought him； as I did； a coxb；
whom she would have pleasure in disappointing。 Me she openly petted
in my brother's presence； as if I were too young and sickly ever to be
thought of as a lover； and that was the view he took of me。 But I believe
she must inwardly have delighted in the tremors into which she threw me
by the coaxing way in which she patted my curls； while she laughed at my
quotations。 Such caresses were always given in the presence of our
friends； for when we were alone together； she affected a much greater
distance towards me； and now and then took the opportunity； by words or
slight actions； to stimulate my foolish timid hope that she really preferred
me。 And why should she not follow her inclination？ I was not in so
advantageous a position as my brother； but I had fortune； I was not a year
younger than she was； and she was an heiress； who would soon be of age
to decide for herself。
The fluctuations of hope and fear； confined to this one channel； made
each day in her presence a delicious torment。 There was one deliberate
act of hers which especially helped to intoxicate me。 When we were at
Vienna her twentieth birthday occurred； and as she was very fond of
ornaments； we all took the opportunity of the splendid jewellers' shops in
that Teutonic Paris to purchase her a birthday present of jewellery。 Mine；
naturally； was the least expensive； it was an opal ringthe opal was my
favourite stone； because it seems to blush and turn pale as if it had a soul。
I told Bertha so when I gave it her； and said that it was an emblem of the
poetic nature； changing with the changing light of heaven and of woman's
eyes。 In the evening she appeared elegantly dressed； and wearing
conspicuously all the birthday presents except mine。 I looked eagerly at
her fingers； but saw no opal。 I had no opportunity of noticing this to her
during the evening； but the next day； when I found her seated near the
window alone； after breakfast； I said； 〃You scorn to wear my poor opal。 I
should have remembered that you despised poetic natures； and should
have given you coral； or turquoise； or some other opaque unresponsive
stone。〃 〃Do I despise it？〃 she answered； taking hold of a delicate gold
chain which she always wore round her neck and drawing out the end
from her bosom with my ring hanging to it； 〃it hurts me a little； I can tell
you；〃 she said； with her usual dubious smile； 〃to wear it in that secret
place； and since your poetical nature is so stupid as to prefer a more public
position； I shall not endure the pain any longer。〃
She took off the ring from the chain and put it on her finger； smiling
still； while the blood rushed to my cheeks； and I could not trust myself to
say a word of entreaty that she would keep the ring where it was before。
I was pletely fooled by this； and for two days shut myself up in my
own room whenever Bertha was absent； that I might intoxicate myself
afresh with the thought of this scene and all it implied。
I should mention that during these two monthswhich seemed a long
life to me from the novelty and intensity of the pleasures and pains I
underwentmy diseased anticipation in other people's consciousness
continued to torment me； now it was my father； and now my brother； now
Mrs。 Filmore or her husband； and now our German courier； whose stream
of thought rushed upon me like a ringing in the ears not to be got rid of；
though it allowed my