[科幻]宿主- 第32部分

when　he’s　not　there？　That　the　memories　are　so　strong　I　can’t　separate　hers　from　mine　anymore？”　
I　stopped　abruptly；　clenching　my　teeth。　
Kathy　pulled　a　white　handkerchief　from　her　pocket　and　offered　it　to　me。　When　I　didn’t　move；　she　got　


up；　walked　over　to　me；　and　dropped　it　in　my　lap。　She　sat　on　the　arm　of　my　chair　and　waited。


　I　held　on　stubbornly　for　half　a　minute。　Then　I　snatched　the　little　square　of　fabric　angrily　and　wiped　my　
eyes。　
“I　hate　this。”　
“Everybody　cries　their　first　year。　These　emotions　are　so　impossible。　We’re　all　children　for　a　bit；　whether　


we　intended　that　or　not。　I　used　to　tear　up　every　time　I　saw　a　pretty　sunset。　The　taste　of　peanut　butter　


　

　“Such　pretty；　shiny　hair；”　she　noted。　“Every　time　I　see　you　it’s　shorter。　Why　do　you　keep　it　that　way？”　
Already　in　tears；　I　didn’t　feel　like　I　had　much　dignity　to　defend。　Why　claim　that　it　was　easier　to　care　for；　
as　I　usually　did？　After　all；　I’d　e　here　to　confess　and　get　help—I　might　as　well　get　on　with　it。

　“It　bothersher。　She　likes　it　long。”　
She　didn’t　gasp；　as　I　half　expected　she　would。　Kathy　was　good　at　her　job。　Her　response　was　only　a　


second　late　and　only　slightly　incoherent。　
“You…　She…　she’s　still　that…present？　”　
The　appalling　truth　tumbled　from　my　lips。　“When　she　wants　to　be。　Our　history　bores　her。　She’s　more　


dormant　while　I’m　working。　But　she’s　there；　all　right。　Sometimes　I　feel　like　she’s　as　present　as　I　am。”　My　


voice　was　only　a　whisper　by　the　time　I　was　done。　
“Wanderer！”　Kathy　exclaimed；　horrified。　“Why　didn’t　you　tell　me　it　was　that　bad？　How　long　has　it　been　
this　way？”


　“It’s　getting　worse。　Instead　of　fading；　she　seems　to　be　growing　stronger。　It’s　not　as　bad　as　the　Healer’s　
case　yet—we　spoke　of　Kevin；　do　you　remember？　She　hasn’t　taken　control。　She　won’t。　I　won’t　let　that　
happen！”　The　pitch　of　my　voice　climbed。


　“Of　course　it　won’t　happen；”　she　assured　me。　“Of　course　not。　But　if　you’re　this…　unhappy；　you　should　
have　told　me　earlier。　We　need　to　get　you　to　a　Healer。”　
It　took　me　a　moment；　emotionally　distracted　as　I　was；　to　understand。　
“A　Healer？　You　want　me　toskip？　”


　“No　one　would　think　badly　of　that　choice；　Wanderer。　It’s　understood；　if　a　host　is　defective　—”　
“Defective？She’s　not　defective。I　am。　I’m　too　weak　for　this　world！”　My　head　fell　into　my　hands　as　the　
humiliation　washed　through　me。　Fresh　tears　welled　in　my　eyes。


　Kathy’s　arm　settled　around　my　shoulders。　I　was　struggling　so　hard　to　control　my　wild　emotions　that　I　
didn’t　pull　away；　though　it　felt　too　intimate。


　It　bothered　Melanie；　too。　She　didn’t　like　being　hugged　by　an　alien。　
Of　course　Melanie　was　very　much　present　in　this　moment；　and　unbearably　smug　as　I　finally　admitted　to　
her　power。　She　was　gleeful。　It　was　always　harder　to　control　her　when　I　was　distracted　by　emotion　like　
this。


　I　tried　to　calm　myself　so　that　I　would　be　able　to　put　her　in　her　place。　
You　are　in　my　place。Her　thought　was　faint　but　intelligible。　How　much　worse　it　was　getting；　she　was　
strong　enough　to　speak　to　me　now　whenever　she　wished。　It　was　as　bad　as　that　first　minute　of　


　

　Go　away。　It’s　my　place　now。

　Never。

　“Wanderer；　dear；　no。　You　are　not　weak；　and　we　both　know　that。”

　“Hmph。”

　“Listen　to　me。　You　are　strong。　Surprisingly　strong。　Our　kind　are　always　so　much　the　same；　butyou　

exceed　the　norm。　You’re　so　brave　it　astonishes　me。　Your　past　lives　are　a　testament　to　that。”

　My　past　lives　maybe；　but　this　life？　Where　was　my　strength　now？

　“But　humans　are　more　individualized　than　we　are；”　Kathy　went　on。　“There’s　quite　a　range；　and　some　of　
them　are　much　stronger　than　others。　I　truly　believe　that　if　anyone　else　had　been　put　into　this　host；　Melanie　
would　have　crushed　them　in　days。　Maybe　it’s　an　accident；　maybe　it’s　fate；　but　it　appears　to　me　that　the　
strongest　of　our　kind　is　being　hosted　by　the　strongest　of　theirs。”

　“Doesn’t　say　much　for　our　kind；　does　it？”

　She　heard　the　implication　behind　my　words。　“She’s　not　winning；　Wanderer。You　are　this　lovely　person　

beside　me。　She’s　just　a　shadow　in　the　corner　of　your　mind。”

　“She　speaks　to　me；　Kathy。　She　still　thinks　her　own　thoughts。　She　still　keeps　her　secrets。”

　“But　she　doesn’t　speak　for　you；　does　she？　I　doubt　I　would　be　able　to　say　as　much　in　your　place。”

　I　didn’t　respond。　I　was　feeling　too　miserable。

　“I　think　you　should　consider　reimplantation。”

　“Kathy；　you　just　said　that　she　would　crush　a　different　soul。　I　don’t　know　if　I　believe　that—you’re　

probably　just　trying　to　do　your　job　and　fort　me。　But　if　sheis　so　strong；　it　wouldn’t　be　fair　to　hand　her　
off　to　someone　else　because　I　can’t　subdue　her。　Who　would　you　choose　to　take　her　on？”

　“I　didn’t　say　that　to　fort　you；　dear。”

　“Then　what　—”

　“I　don’t　think　this　host　would　be　considered　for　reuse。”

　“Oh！”

　A　shiver　of　horror　jolted　down　my　spine。　And　I　wasn’t　the　only　one　who　was　staggered　by　the　idea。

　I　was　immediately　repulsed。　I　was　no　quitter。　Through　the　long　revolutions　around　the　suns　of　my　last　
planet—the　world　of　the　See　Weeds；　as　they　were　known　here—I　had　waited。　Though　the　permanence　
of　being　rooted　began　to　wear　long　before　I’d　thought　it　would；　though　the　lives　of　the　See　Weeds　would　
measure　in　centuries　on　this　planet；　I　had　not　skipped　out　on　the　life　term　of　my　host。　To　do　so　was　

　

　But　we　werenot　wasteful。　We　did　make　whatever　we　took　better；　more　peaceful　and　beautiful。　And　the　
humanswere　brutish　and　ungovernable。　They　had　killed　one　another　so　frequently　that　murder　had　been　
an　accepted　part　of　life。　The　various　tortures　they’d　devised　over　the　few　millennia　they’d　lasted　had　
been　too　much　for　me；　I　hadn’t　been　able　to　bear　even　the　dry　official　overviews。　Wars　had　raged　over　
the　face　of　nearly　every　continent。　Sanctioned　murder；　ordered　and　viciously　effective。　Those　who　lived　
in　peaceful　nations　had　looked　the　other　way　as　members　of　their　own　species　starved　on　their　doorstep。　
There　was　no　equality　to　the　distribution　of　the　planet’s　bounteous　resources。　Most　vile　yet；　their　
offspring—the　next　generation；　which　my　kind　nearly　worshipped　for　their　promise—had　all　too　often　
been　victims　of　heinous　crimes。　And　not　just　at　the　hands　of　strangers；　but　at　the　hands　of　the　caretakers　
they　were　entrusted　to。　Even　the　huge　sphere　of　the　planet　had　been　put　into　jeopardy　through　their　
careless　and　greedy　mistakes。　No　one　could　pare　what　had　been　and　what　was　now　and　not　admit　
that　Earth　was　a　better　place　thanks　to　us。

　You　murder　an　entire　species　and　then　pat　yourselves　on　the　back。

　My　hands　balled　up　into　fists。

　I　could　have　you　disposed　of；I　reminded　her。

　Go　ahead。　Make　my　murder　official。

　I　was　bluffing；　but　so　was　Melanie。

　Oh；　she　thought　she　wanted　to　die。　She’d　thrown　herself　into　the　elevator　shaft；　after　all。　But　that　was　in　
a　moment　of　panic　and　defeat。　To　consider　it　calmly　from　a　fortable　chair　was　something　else　
altogether。　I　could　feel　the　adrenaline—adrenaline　called　into　being　by　her　fear—shoot　through　my　limbs　
as　I　contemplated　switching　to　a　more　pliant　body。

　It　would　be　nice　to　be　alone　again。　To　have　my　mind　to　myself。　This　world　was　very　pleasant　in　so　many　
novel　ways；　and　it　would　be　wonderful　to　be　able　to　appreciate　it　without　the　distractions　of　an　angry；　
displaced　nonentity　who　should　have　had　better　sense　than　to　linger　unwanted　this　way。

　Melanie　squirmed；　figuratively；　in　the　recesses　of　my　head　as　I　tried　to　consider　it　rationally。　Maybe　I　
should　give　up。…

　The　words　themselves　made　me　flinch。　I；　Wanderer；　give　up？　Quit？　Admit　failure　and　try　again　with　a　
weak；　spineless　host　who　wouldn’t　give　me　any　trouble？

　I　shook　my　head。　I　could　barely　stand　to　think　of　it。

　And…　this　wasmy　body。　I　was　used　to　the　feel　of　it。　I　liked　the　way　the　muscles　moved　over　the　bones；　
the　bend　of　the　joints　and　the　pull　of　the　tendons。　I　knew　the　reflection　in　the　mirror。　The　sun…browned　
skin；　the　high；　sharp　bones　of　my　face；　the　short　silk　cap　of　mahogany　hair；　the　muddy　green　brown　hazel　
of　my　eyes—this　was　me。

　I　wanted　myself。　I　wouldn’t　let　what　was　mine　be　destroyed。

　CHAPTER　6　

　

　The　light　was　finally　fading　outside　the　windows。　The　day；　hot　for　March；　had　lingered　on　and　on；　as　if　

reluctant　to　end　and　set　me　free。　
I　sniffled　and　twisted　the　wet　handkerchief　into　another　knot。　“Kathy；　you　must　have　other　obligations。　
Curt　will　be　wondering　where　you　are。”

　“He’ll　understand。”　
“I　can’t　stay　here　forever。　And　we’re　no　closer　to　an　answer　than　before。”　
“Quick　fixes　aren’t　my　specialty。　You　are　decided　against　a　new　host　—”　
“Yes。”　
“So　dealing　with　this　will　probably　take　some　time。”　
I　clenched　my　teeth　in　frustration。　
“And　it　will　go　faster　and　more　smoothly　if　you　have　some　help。”　
“I’ll　be　better　with　making　my　appointments；　I　promise。”　
“That’s　not　exactly　what　I　mean；　though　I　hope　you　will。”　
“You　mean　help…　other　than　you？”　I　cringed　at　the　thought　of　having　to　relive　today’s　misery　with　a　


stranger。　“I’m　sure　you’re　just　as　qualified　as　any　forter—more　so。”　
“I　didn’t　mean　another　forter。”　She　shifted　her　weight　in　the　chair　and　stretched　stiffly。　“How　many　
friends　do　you　have；　Wanderer？”　
“You　mean　people　at　work？　I　see　a　few　other　teachers　almost　every　day。　There　are　several　students　I　

speak　to　in　the　halls。…”　
“Outside　of　the　school？”　
I　stared　at　her　blankly。　
“Human　hosts　need　interaction。　You’re　not　used　to　solitude；　dear。　You　shared　an　entire　planet’s　

thoughts　—”　
“We　didn’t　go　out　much。”　My　attempt　at　humor　fell　flat。　
She　smiled　slightly　and　went　on。　“You’re　struggling　so　hard　with　your　problem　that　it’s　all　you　can　

concentrate　on。　Maybe　one　answer　is　to　not　concentrate　quite　so　hard。　You　said　Melanie　grows　bored　
during　your　working　hours…　that　she　is　more　dormant。　Perhaps　if　you　developed　some　peer　
relationships；　those　would　bore　her　also。”

　I　pursed　my　lips　thoughtfully。　Melanie；　sluggish　from　the　long　day　of　attempted　fort；　did　seem　rather　

　

　Kathy　nodded。　“Get　involved　with　life　rather　than　with　her。”

　“That　makes　sense。”

　“And　then　there　are　the　physical　drives　these　bodies　have。　I’ve　never　seen　or　heard　of　their　equal。　One　
of　the　most　difficult　things　we　of　the　first　wave　had　to　conquer　was　the　mating　instinct。　Believe　me；　the　
humans　noticed　when　you　didn’t。”　She　grinned　and　rolled　her　eyes　at　some　memory。　When　I　didn’t　react　
as　she’d　expected；　she　sighed　and　crossed　her　arms　impatiently。　“Oh；　e　now；　Wanderer。　You　must　
have　noticed。”

　“Well；　of　course；”　I　mumbled。　Melanie　stirred　restlessly。　“Obviously。　I’ve　told　you　about　the　dreams。…”　
“No；　I　didn’t　mean　just　memories。　Haven’t　you　e　across　anyone　that　your　body　has　responded　to　in　

the　present—on　strictly　a　chemical　level？”

　I　thought　her　question　through　carefully。　“I　don’t　think　so。　Not　so　I’ve　noticed。”

　“Trust　me；”　Kathy　said　dryly。　“You’d　notice。”　She　shook　her　head。　“Perhaps　you　should　open　your　eyes　

and　look　around　for　that　specifically。